By Bobby Collins Among the many, many difficulties that stepfamilies face throughout thefirst years of their blending process, enjoying holidays seems to be oneof the toughest. Your kids and stepkids have had quite a year, precedingthis season. Now, into the middle of a home still trying to establish some sort offamiliarity, come the holidays. And, rather than coming as a break fromthe day to day tension, special family celebrations tend to add to theconfusion and stress. Just when you thought you had some sort of routineworked out and that you had figured out this new clan, everyone goescompletely nuts over a “joyous” occasion. Now you find that dynamite can indeed come in small packages. Suchminute matters as … * when to open presents Christmas Eve or Morning, * who to buypresents for immediate family or inlaws or exgrandparents, * what tofix for a “traditional” holiday family dinner every family has its ownspecial traditions that are most important, * or even which ornamentsfrom which family get hung where on the family Christmas tree, … can have normally civilized families (which leaves out manystepfamilies!) at each other’s throats. Well, here are a dozen suggestions to help ease the way. (Sort of a “12Ways of Christmas.”) These suggestions come from a variety of sources,including our own experiences and those of the hundreds of stepfamilieswe’ve worked with. I’ll aHave a Blue Christmas What is it about the end of year holidays Thanksgiving, Christmas, andNew Years that cause so much insanity in so many people? Evenwelladjusted, normal folks seem to shut down their reasoning skills at thesetimes. And that’s the normal minority of families who aren’t dealing with theadded bonuses we stepfamilies enjoy. We get to sweat over the logistics and timetables of not one, but twohouseholds’ holiday schedules. Just as you are frantically trying tocoordinate everyone’s schedule in your family, your ex informs you thathe’ll have to have the kids that same day for his time with them. Andyou have to go along, because the kids have to celebrate at their dad’shouse, too. We also are visited by Ghosts of Christmases Past, carrying bittersweetmemories of other family celebrations. None of the memories arepainless. Bad memories of, for example, the year your spouse got drunk and toreopen all the presents before the kids could get to them will always bepart of our internal photo album, which opens whenever we hear certaincarols or smell egg nog. But the good memories of that happy former family enjoying the perfectChristmas when the kids were so little and sweet those can be just aspainful and disturbing in the midst of the chaos of a blending family’slabor pains. We Wish For A Merry Christmas So, the seasonal insanity of the holidays isn’t the sole property ofstepfamilies. As noted earlier, everyone seems to suffer from the virus,but holidays are much tougher on stepparents. So much tougher, in fact,that many civil courts make a practice of allowing extra time on theirdockets at this time of year for the flood of custodyrelated cases. Harsh statistics reveal how hard the blending process can be. While manyshake their heads over the nearly 50% divorce rate across America, mostdont realize that the divorce rate for stepfamilies is closer to 65 to85 percent for second and third marriages! I believe that holidaypressures contribute a great deal to that failure record. It takes a wholefamily effort to overcome the stigma and the hazards ofblending two families with two backgrounds (which include failures andpain) into a new single family with a future. Some exfamily membersnever go away nor should they. Holiday gatherings usually involve past relationships that many feelwould be easier left in the past. It is vitally important though,especially for stepkids, to maintain contact with their roots. Stepkidssuffer such disassociation with so many factors of the new life thatgrandparents, uncles and aunts, and cousins provide necessary anchors ofassurance for them. However, right in the middle of a onceayear reunion, tempers can flareand old fights may be revived and more damage than good may result. It is natural that these pressures build. What is not natural isforgetting to care for your children’s needs before your own. Allstepfamilies experience tension, fears, frustrations, and sadness overunfulfilled dreams. Where the damage manifests itself during the holidays is when you eitherhold the pressure in until it explodes, or you withdraw from the worldby natural or chemical means. If we don’t deal with our wounds, theywill fester and kill us. On top of the internal pressure is external conflict. Both stepkids andadults feel like outsiders in their own home because of new familymembers who are strangers. Stepkids are expected to develop an immediatefamily feeling for people they know nothing about. At best, manystepchildren at family gatherings are treated like honorary homelessguests invited in as a token of Christmas kindness. But what can you do? Have A Holly Jolly Christmas Here are some steps you can take to help your family and you have amore enjoyable holiday season. These ideas come from a multitude ofsources. Some are things we have discovered in our own family. Otherscome from the hundreds of stepfamilies we have met with over the yearsin support groups we hold in person and over the Internet. And stillothers have been gleaned from emails sent to our web site(www.stepcarefully.com). On the FIRST day of Christmas: Begin your holiday survival plan by acknowledging to yourself, and forevery member of your new family, that it’s OK to feel sad during “happyholidays”. Allow for some down time, but don’t stay there. These feelings thatwe’ve discussed and which you are starting to feel are natural. They areshared by nearly every stepfamily around the world over 20 million inAmerica alone! Realize where you are in your life. This is a starting point to a wholefuture. Statistics show over and over that it takes an average of fourto seven years for stepfamilies to blend. Too many couples enter into astepfamily with unrealistic dreams that they will fall right into ahappy home life in the first year or the first months, even! Accept that blending two families is tough, everyone has the same fears.Then move on. This is just one holiday season. Get through this one withat least some good times, and the next one will be easier. On the SECOND day of Christmas: Develop flexibility in your holiday plans. Everything doesn’t have to beperfect. Again, realize that this is one celebration out of many tocome. Next year, everyone will be a little more familiar with eachother, a little more accepting. This is just one step in the blendingprocess, not the whole thing. Being in a stepfamily means dealing with multiple family plans. Your ex or you spouse’s ex will most likely have family celebration plans oftheir own, involving your kids. Naturally, it will be easier if you canwork together in cooperation to coordinate both sets of parents’programs. Unfortunately, this doesn’t happen very often. If yourspouse’s plans conflict with yours, you will have to find a way tocompromise. More on this later. Remember that the purpose of family holidays is supposed to be for lovedones to gather and well, love each other. If your family gets snippyabout the seating arrangements around the dinner table, love themanyway. You are building a new family, with new traditions. Maybe one ofthose new traditions can be that little things don’t matter so much. On the THIRD Day of Christmas: Keep a holiday journal of this, and every coming, holiday gathering. Without some perspective, you will likely feel that you are making no progress. But you will make progress. So, keep a journal. Record in it gifts given by and to whom, where youwent, and some of the more notable things said and done. These days arevaluable lessons, don’t lose them. On the FOURTH Day of Christmas: Concentrate on making these Holy Days instead of holidays. Through theyears, commercialism and frantic expectations have distracted us fromthe true reason we celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, the New Year, andEaster. Some families even hold birthday parties for Jesus! Rather than give allthe gifts to each other, the best gifts go to homeless, poor, or sickfamilies nearby. Whether you are a Christian, or you practice anotherfaith, or none at all, this practice can move your holiday mindset fromcompetition and frustration to reflection and patience. On the FIFTH Day of Christmas: Begin new traditions just for your new family. Every family, every clan,every culture has its own special traditions for holiday celebrations.You developed deeply rooted patterns in your former household, and sodid your spouse’s family. Many stepfamily conflicts involve couplestrying to continue to do things the same way they always did them. Thisis a recipe for trouble! Far better, many believe, is to scrap all the old ways and find newtraditions. Begin by letting everyone have a say about what they wouldlike to do. You may have to push past some resistance as members try tohold on to old memories of what they did before. But it is importantthat everyone is part of the process. If one member tries to force theiropinion or ideas on the whole group, it usually won’t work as well. Keepa positive attitude about the process. Everyone can participate in passing out food or gifts at homelessshelters, orphanages, or halfway houses. Adopt a family to share yourabundance with. Don’t just give money; get the kids involved. Let themsee how much more fortunate they are to live in your stepfamily! Have a cookout. If you live somewhere warm, that’s OK, but this activitywill be more of an adventure if there is snow involved! Roast hot dogsand marshmallows. Look at the stars in the crisp, cold sky. TellChristmas stories. Carols are optional. The point is to look for new activities you can repeat year after yearto develop a kinship between the new family members. The second, third,and fourth times you do this, it will feel more comfortable, and it willbring back memories of this family’s holidays. On the SIXTH Day of Christmas: Exchange life stories. Have the whole family as many as you can gathertogether, old and new prepare a short description of their favoritememory. This story can be about a funny time, a painful time, a trip, a lostfriend, etc. No one needs to comment on the stories. If the stepkids want to talkabout old times when mom and dad were still together, that’s OK. Spousesshould refrain from that, though. As the stories are told, look for insights into the teller’s personalityand dreams. You may get a glimpse of how your stepkids really feel. Somegames, such as LifeStories, can be useful here to help every one get toknow one another better. On the SEVENTH Day of Christmas: Switch days to celebrate to ease the pressure. If your kids’noncustodial parent must (or just chooses to) have your kids on theholiday, you may want to consider this alternative. Many stepparentshave found that having flexibility in this area makes everyone morerelaxed. Tell them you want them to have two Christmases this year, one with Dadand one with you and stepdad. Then, don’t scrimp on the festivities. Whatever new traditions you’re going to practice, give them as muchattention as your other activities. This brings up a very important point. The primary focus of most holidaycelebrations is the children. However, in trying to give our kids thebest holiday experience, we can get carried away. If your honest desireis to make you kids happy this season, then think of them first. Constant bickering, tension and pressure to be happy and have fun, and tug of wars over whose home, when will not produce the desired result. Compromise, then make up lost time when they come home. On the EIGHTH Day of Christmas: If your kids do have to travel to visit Dad, don’t whine about it.Family ties are important to all children, but especially so forstepkids. After spending all year in a new home with new family members to adjustto, your kids probably will feel relieved to be back around familiarfaces. Let them. Don’t fret or obsess about their being gone. Enjoy the free time; find some time just for yourself at least every other day. When plans are being made for your kids’ or stepkids’ visit away fromhome, look for positives about the trip. Make sure you don’t make themfeel guilty about wanting to see their parent. It should go without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) that you shouldtake care to never ever put down your ex or your spouse’s ex infront of their kids. Never tell your children how awful you think theirDad or Mom is! First of all, you wouldn’t want them to hear the samesort of thing about you. And secondly, regardless of how you feel abouthim, he is still your kids daddy. To belittle him belittles them, intheir eyes. On the NINTH Day of Christmas: If kids come to visit you for the holidays, don’t neglect them. Whetherthey are your own children, for whom your spouse has custody, or yourstepkids, make them part of everything that goes on. They are not ropes for a tug of war game. They are not enemy spies fromthe ex. They are children hoping to have some enjoyment during a specialtime of the year, in a place that is not their home. You have the powerto make a positive or a negative impact on them. Children who visit their other parent’s home seem to fall into twocategories. They are either an extended part of the family, or completeoutsiders. Kids who visit every other weekend or just twice a yeardeserve some permanent consideration. Make sure they are comfortable andsettled. They’re not pets dropped off on you for a kennel stay. (Can you say, “Grinch”?) They are children who are basically at the mercy of your courtesies. If you live in a small house and have little extra money, be creative. Save up and buy (or even borrow) some furniture a bed, a chest of drawers it doesn’t have to be a lot. Thepoint is to make an effort just for them out of love. These could be the kids who care for you when you are old! On the TENTH Day of Christmas: Wear thicker skin over the holidays. As the inevitable pressures build(in those unfortunate enough to have not read this book!), be preparedto be an example of patience and lovingkindness. Be careful that you don’t lose control of yourself and damagerelationships you have to maintain throughout the rest of the year.Someone has to be the adult, it might as well be you. And don’t be amartyr about it, telling everyone how tough it is, just do it with asmile. Even if no one else appreciates your strength, you can feel proudof yourself on January 4th! The kids who come visit you may very well be less than gracious about your efforts to include them and make them feel comfortable. Never mind. It’s not really important how well someone receives a gift from you. It’s how you give the gift that matters. The visiting kids may have been “prepped” by their mom or dad to expectyou to be a monster, so they are putting up the best defense a goodoffense. Well, you just prove to them what kind of a person you reallyare! And you will, good or bad. On the ELEVENTH Day of Christmas: Get back into your daily routine as quickly as possible. Children (andadults, too) thrive on consistency. Give them assurance that nothingmajor changed over the holidays, unless it was for the good bystrengthening ties. Through all the families we’ve worked with, it has become increasinglyclear that kids need order in their lives. They want rules anddirections and security. Oh, they will deny it to the death! Butstepkids who have opened up to me have by and large agreed that it makesthem feel safe and cared for to know what the rules are and that theywill be enforced regularly. This tells them that their parents arewilling to make an effort to raise them. It’s easy to just let things go. Its harder to insist on obedience. On the TWELFTH Day of Christmas: Keep your perspective. What’s the bottom line in dealing with holidaymadness in a stepfamily? The same three C’s we teach in all ourresources at STEPCarefully! Caring, Consideration, and Common sense. ** Care for your loved ones. Care about how you are teaching them to beadults. Care about the reputation you will be carrying through life. ** Be Considerate of others’ feelings. Show consideration and respectfor your new family’s need for a solid, peaceful home. ** Use Common sense in handling problems. Some of the battles justaren’t worth the effort. Common sense means backing up to look at thelarger picture. Is this particular old holiday custom worth fightingover? Or would you be better off letting it go and trying somethingelse. For the sake of your kids, act like Christian adults! It’s Christmas,don’t blaspheme the holiday by destroying what you’ve taught all yearlong. By Bobby Collins Copyright 1999 ————————- [IMPORTANT NOTE: this text version is copied from our original resource by the name "Beat the Holiday Blues", which is copyrighted 1999, Bobby Collins, http://www.stepcarefully.com, and all international copyright restrictions apply. Please be careful to include the copyright and contact information.] Bobby Collins is a stepdad first, then a minister, a certified family mediator, and founder of STEP-Carefully! for Stepparents!, the largest faith-based support organization for stepfamilies in the country. His articles have appeared in national publications and he has appeared on national TV and radio programs always teaching stepparents how to have healthier, happier families. His organization can be reached on the Internet at http://www.stepcarefully.com where visitors will find free articles, a free newsletter, and a book store with proven stepfamily resources for sale. Collins is best known for his private family mediation between husbands and wives, ex-spouses, and stepparents and their stepkids. With over a decade of experience, he has helped thousands of stepfamilies survive and succeed. Contact him directly at coach@stepcarefully.com Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Bobby_Collins http://EzineArticles.com/?Stepfamily-Holiday-Blues—How-to-Beat-em&id=43761 free paycheck tax calculator payday loans 1 hour no credit check cell phones no turn down personal loans